Posts tagged ‘girls’

March 26, 2012

Goodbye, Mr Nice Guy

by sakuraso

This is something that’s always bothered me, and it was once again brought up in a comment to my geeky girl community post, so I thought I could address it… I’m endeavouring to refrain from just writing a rant, as I did last time – last time I thought only my friends, maybe some of the girls from ontd_startrek, and perhaps some people randomly finding their way over to my blog (note trolls: blog. not newspaper, or anything that needs me to be “professional”), I wasn’t expecting the 30,000 views I got. So this time, less rant, and fewer things trolls can feed on. Hopefully. Caveat done, moving on.

“Women don’t like nice guys, they only go for assholes”

This infuriates me to no end. It’s a stupid stereotype, it’s an unfair one, and it makes me angry, especially when it’s purposefully perpetuated by those who should know better. It’s full of assumptions and stereotypes, and I believe that those who perpetuate it are doing so because it’s an easy excuse. There are three things wrong with this annoying statement, and I’ll be addressing women, nice guys and assholes.

“Women.”

I imagine this started when someone got rejected, and decided that because it didn’t work out, all women are the same. If all women liked only one thing, our species would have died out a long time ago. Considering the stupidity of this generalisation I’m honestly surprised people still spout this nonsense. There are women out there who are dating men some of us would consider assholes. That is, unfortunately a fact. This in no shape or form means that all women like assholes. First there is the assumption those girls knew the guy was an asshole in the first place, and honestly, there are very few women who would consider starting a relationship with someone who made them feel terrible. When it happens, it’s usually the case that the guy starts being an asshole -after- the girl becomes emotionally invested, and then start making excuses for them (battered wife syndrome much?).

I know several girls whose boyfriends I would class as “assholes” and so do many of my friends, and in all these cases, those girls tend to get our views on their boyfriends quite explicitly. Over the years I’ve heard so many reasons and excuses, and while I cannot personally understand them, I have never been in that position, so I hold back a bit, and I try to be sympathetic.

First and foremost, you cannot deny pure chemistry. I’m sure every single one of us has done some pretty stupid things when we’ve been head over heels. I know I have, chasing after one guy for 3 years who wouldn’t reject me outright – smart thing to do would be to assume that as there are no obvious positive signs, to just move on, but the emotional thing to do? Cling on to the fact that there hasn’t been an actual rejection. When strong emotions are involved, we all do stupid things. So in the case of someone you’re dating being horrible to you, if you’re head over heels, many people will just make excuses for them. Oh, but he’s not always like that! Granted, those of us looking in don’t see the full picture, but sometimes, you don’t need to see the whole picture to know something’s not right. I also need to point out, men also get in the same situation, great guys who give up their interests, their style and their beliefs for their girlfriends. One of my friends fancied a girl for half a year before they went out, he was then so scared she might dump him, he would forfeit his own opinions in case she got offended because they disagreed on something – not a healthy relationship. And in the girl’s defence, she wasn’t even remotely horrible, I could never imagine her breaking up with someone because they couldn’t decide on what film to watch, but through his fear of losing her, he didn’t give her the chance to show that she’s actually fine with compromise. He didn’t, and then resented her because his personality was …withering away. I will always maintain they could have had a great relationship if there was a bit of communication, but I digress. I did think pointing out that men get into these situations was quite important.

Another reason I have seen time and time again, is simply self esteem. This applies to men as well, as we all suffer from self esteem issues. There are those whose self esteem is so low they believe that if they lose the person they’re with they’ll never be able to find anyone else. I can say from experience that trying to convince someone otherwise is near impossible, having been someone who’s tried to convince people of their worth, as well as having to be convinced myself – I was completely and utterly convinced I was going to be single forever, my friends had been on boyfriend 6 or 7 while I hadn’t even been on a date. It’s not something you can convince someone out of, the only real way is for it to actually happen. In my case it was somewhat easier, as I finally realised I wasn’t hopeless when I met my current boyfriend, but if you’re afraid you won’t find someone if you break up with someone? Very difficult. Even the fact that they got a boyfriend/girlfriend in the first place… The self esteem issue has another problem. When you see someone being wooed by someone you perceive as an asshole, there’s a chance they have low self esteem and are incredibly flattered they’re getting any attention. Again, guilty of this myself, but I wised up quick. Not everyone does, however.

Self esteem is responsible for many of our problems. Never assume that if someone’s attractive for example, they will be confident. The really happy types who tell you to tell everyone they’re beautiful? They have a point. If you’re told all your life you’re beautiful, you will know you’re beautiful. On the other hand, if people don’t tell you, while everyone around you is told such things, no matter how beautiful the image in the mirror is, you won’t see it. It’s also not just about physical beauty. I have a very good friend who pisses me off every single day, because he cannot let go of his idea that without a nice car and a very high prestige job, he will never have a girlfriend. I will never stop telling him:

If someone rejects you for that reason, they are not worth it in the first place.

It just never gets through. If that’s what your relationship is based on, it’s doomed to failure.

Now, there is something to be said about the bad boy stereotype. Only something. To make it clear, bad boys and assholes are not the same thing. Bad boys are about that sense of danger, of doing something out of the ordinary, something thrilling. It has nothing to do with being mistreated in any way. It’s about dating someone who is not part of your social norm. Or maybe even to shock your friends and family, I don’t know. There is also the very popular reason: the change. There are many women who want to change bad boys from their bad habits. It’s not something I’ve ever understood, it seems fundamentally contrary to what a relationship should be to me: falling in love with a person. Not falling in love with the idea of a person, and then moulding one to that idea. Unfortunately, however, it’s an undeniable social occurrence.   I cannot reiterate this enough, not the same thing as an asshole.

“Nice Guys”

I have a problem with this because most of the time, this is a self proclaimed title. I find there’s a big difference between guys who are nice, and “nice guys.” Guys who are nice do not finish last. “Nice guys” however, just might. There is something arrogant about proclaiming yourself as “a nice guy.” Furthermore, it tends to be an excuse. The line often comes up when someone gets rejected. I am in no way saying that a guy being rejected by a girl is never because she’s a bitch. That does happen. Unfortunately however, it’s just an excuse. It rejects the idea you have any responsibility: you’re a nice guy, so obviously you’re only rejected because the girl’s a bitch. It also implies a sense of entitlement, as if she has no right at all to reject you. It doesn’t matter if she’s taken, not wanting a relationship at all, doesn’t find you attractive, doesn’t think you’re interesting, you remind her of someone she doesn’t want to be reminded of, doesn’t like your attitude, just doesn’t feel a connection… or thinks you came across as a creep. If you choose to believe you’re unsuccessful because you’re a nice guy and girls don’t like nice guys, you’re never going to be successful. Whatever formula you’re applying that just isn’t working for you, using that excuse means means you don’t try to change how you approach things. Not only does using such an excuse limit your own success, it foists unnecessary resentment onto innocent people that have done nothing wrong.

“Assholes”

The assumption someone is an asshole because they have the confidence to go up to someone and try to pick them up is not fair. As far as I’m concerned, the guys smugly swaggering towards women thinking they can get anyone they want, is just as bad as entitled self proclaimed nice guys that hate on women because they choose to believe they themselves have nothing to do with being rejected. In my geek girl post, a (troll) tried to point out that the decent guys who I work with are assholes, infuriated me to no end. This is an assumption that floats around far too much. A guy can actually confidently talk to a girl, he must be an asshole. I realise that any other guy will be your competition, but it seems a bit desperate to label guys as assholes because they do what you can’t. It’s like the girls who call other girls sluts just because they’re more confident in going after the guys they’re interested in. So much for gender solidarity. Sometimes I wonder why ‘bros before hos’ and ‘sisters before misters’ even came about. There seems to be far too much hate going round.

Yes, there are assholes out there. It does not mean that they get women just because they’re assholes. Not all men are assholes, and some ladies I know should also keep that in mind. There’s going after what you want, being confident, and being a slut or asshole. I would recommend watching them and seeing what their techniques are, rather than just writing them off under an unfounded generalisation.

I truly cannot comprehend why this stereotype keeps persisting. Is it just those whose egos have been so bruised that they’re so bitter they have to spew hatred towards everyone? Is it people purely looking at situations they know nothing about and just assuming things?

Finally, I would add something that my aforementioned good friend pointed out: those guys who are assholes, who either charm girls into dating them, or find girls with low enough self esteem, they will go through life without meaningful relationships, hopping from relationship to relationship, eventually realising their lifestyle is just not fulfilling. However, feeling entitled and building resentment towards all women because of a few rejections (which you may have been responsible for), is, I think, just as arrogant and unfulfilling as the empty relationships of the ‘asshole’ guy.

Don’t assume the tastes of women. Don’t assume that you have no blame in being rejected. Don’t assume men who aren’t rejected are assholes. And don’t assume that a girl will not talk to you before you’ve even tried. Also remember that self esteem is a huge issue. From being too insecure to go up to someone and talking them, to talking to people even though they’re not the nicest, just because you’re flattered they’re talking to you in the first place. It may be the easier option to assume that it’s not you, and that the fault lies with everyone else. But all it does it feed your resentment, and it won’t lead you to a fulfilling relationship.

Editing help kindly provided by LietenantLoker {Lindsay K.}
March 19, 2012

The Girl Geek Community is Hidden, Ever Wondered Why?

by sakuraso

This is essentially on my mind whenever I do anything related to my interests, particularly when it’s something within “the male demographic,” because obviously, as a girl I’m meant to only be interested in Jersey Shore or The Only Way Is Chelsea. If you’re a girl and you like Star Trek or Star Wars, then you’re going against the grain by actually knowing the damn difference, and beyond that, it’s pretty much incomprehensible. Though many would make an exception in Star Wars. Apparently we’re allowed to like Episode 1.

The strange thing is, I’ve found when talking to guys about geeky things, there is a huge discrepancy between the online geek community, and guys I meet in real life; through work, university, etc. The difference being that in real life, there is much less patronising. Recently at the pub with some of my coworkers, once the group dwindled down to four of us, with myself being the only girl, my cosplaying days were brought up (okay, meeting Leonard Nimoy is actually a highlight of my life, and if you give me leeway, ANY leeway at all, I will take it and I will bring it up, can’t help it.) And with the guys from work it was more of a surprise that I used to run around in an original series Starfleet science uniform, tribble, phaser and tricorder too. Which is fair enough, I imagine the thought process is along the lines of ‘you have green hair, and a multitude of piercings, most of which I’m pretty damn sure your mother doesn’t approve of. I could guess you being a Marilyn Manson fan, but Star Trek?’ My geekiness isn’t generally obvious. Well. Unless I’m wearing one of my Star Wars sneakers, that should clue people in a bit but… My point here is that these guys, who themselves probably get a lot of their own skewed looks amongst the ‘normal’ populace due to tattoos, piercings, funky hair etc, or just being really really really tall *coughDavecough* were merely surprised because it’s not obvious from the outside, or maybe because I don’t adhere to what society thinks a geeky girl should look like, should they even exist. Because we don’t actually exist, apparently. Ignoring for example, the Star Trek Oh No They Didn’t community on livejournal which is almost all women, and over 10,000 strong. Don’t exist indeed.

However. Online communities. For some reason, guys (and to be honest, some girls too), get in front of the computer screen and lose track of reality. Or maybe it’s the joy of being anonymous, so you can troll as much as you like. The only time this line is blurred is at conventions, but perhaps because it is a geek haven, internet anonymity rules still apply.

When I first started going to conventions it was because, obviously, I love sci-fi. Going to a place with like-minded people, where I can buy rare fandom related goodies, meet people whose careers formed my childhood and subsequent years that actually, formed who I am today and on top of that, I can dress up as someone from my favourite series. It was all so positive positive positive. The first time I didn’t dress up, I wasn’t going to just jump right in there. I had to check it out first, see how it’s done, what you do. See what the protocols were. I was also all about meeting Leonard Nimoy, nothing else mattered. I was mostly ignored, I was just yet another person in the masses churning round the rugby stadium temporarily converted into a sci-fi haven. But then I started dressing up with my friend. Suddenly things weren’t quite so fun and innocent.

It started around the time this picture was taken. It was fun. Though my ideas of actually being an introvert were tested quite extensively. We started a game of counting how many times we’d be asked for photos. We lost count. It wasn’t a big deal at first, I mean, pretty much everyone in costume was constantly being asked for photos, it’s normal, part of the fun. But then came the lechery. Yes, I’m in a Starfleet uniform, no, that does not give you the right to grab my ass. This is something you brush off though, you don’t dwell on it too much. You tell the ass to fuck off and then you move on.

Then however, I started checking the event forums after the conventions were over. It’s a great place where people can talk about what they did, how much fun they had, who they met, and even, getting in touch with people you met in passing and wanted to get to know better. Then other threads started popping up.

“Which cosplay girl was the hottest this weekend?”

I see. Apparently I was entered in a beauty pageant. And the comments! “There were those two Starfleet girls!” Aww, they noticed us! How nice! “Yeah man, I liked the red one! She has way bigger boobs” Well. Okay. “So true, her skirt was shorter too!” “Nah, the blue one was way better, and she wasn’t wearing black tights so you could see her legs better!

My happy dressing up fun time was just a geeky version of a pageant apparently. THIS IS WHY GIRLS FORM THEIR OWN GIRL ONLY FANDOM COMMUNITIES. You don’t deserve them in yours. It’s not even just the objectification, it’s the fact that we’re somehow meant to be in direct competition with each other. Me and Alice went for fun, we love Star Trek, so we dressed up, just for the damn hell of it. And because it amused George Takei to call us his yeomen. And because it amused John Barrowman because of the fandom clash. It’s also a handy way of identifying people from the same fandoms. And we were there together. Having the experience together. We weren’t there to outdo each other. I go online and apparently we were there to outdo each other.

Guys, you’re a social group that’s still made fun of in society. You get beaten up in schools. And everyone jokes that you’re going to be virgins forever. So why would you make girls -who like the same things you do and don’t judge you for being a geek- uncomfortable in your communities. It’s hard enough having to constantly prove our geek qualifications, because otherwise we’re not even considered part of the community – we have to prove we like the stuff, while the guys have a god earned right. In various forums I frequented half the time I found that I was talking to guys who knew much less than me on topics such as Star Trek or Star Wars were always part of the group, whereas every time people realised I was a girl, I’d be bombarded with very intricate questions those guys couldn’t answer, and if I couldn’t remember USS Potemkin’s registry number off the top of my head, I was obviously not in the right place, ‘run along and find yourself a my little pony community.’

The only time this happens in the realms of real life, is in Warhammer Workshops. Just thinking about it makes me rage like I’ve never raged before. A girl cannot walk into a workshop and be treated like a guy. A staff member will walk up to you, and will assume you know shit-all. “Do you even know what warhammer is?” Of course not! I just wondered in after following a trail of pink sparkles. Well done. I will never grace your shop with my custom ever again.

During a stunt meant to promote the launch of the online Star Trek game, which was an attempt to get a record in the Guinness book of records for most people in Star Trek costume – we did get it, though it was beaten quickly by the Americans. Unsurprising really. Few people knew about it, it was on Chinese New Year AND Valentine’s Day, and on top of that, during a weekend. Travelling on the weekend in London is horrendous at best. Like the conventions, there were a few guys objectifying the girls, but all in all, everyone was in it together, freezing our collective Starfleet, Borg, Klingon, Vulcan and Ferengi asses off in February. A rainy February. Though some of us skirt wearing trekkies were smart and wore thermals. Mmmm. Sexy.

Afterwards, one of the Star Trek fansites covering the event posted pictures and reviews, all nice and respectful. In the comments however, pageant judging started. Nothing as nice as looking at the guys and girls and judging their costume attempts. No. It was all about our collective assets under our uniforms and so on. Luckily not everyone is a douche, and after making a comment on twitter about it, the guys from the fansite told everyone off for their objectifying. Which was nice. That was the day I won an XBox at the record breaking raffle, oh yes.

Those were the days...

 It’s been so long ago I can’t remember the photographer’s name, he did a good job, though at the time we were somewhat worried…

The main point of this rant is this: if you genuinely want to interact with girls who share the same interests as you, stop chasing them away! If we love Star Trek, we want to talk about it with everyone. But if the guys make us feel patronised and as if we have to prove ourselves, not just as fans but as women in general, we’re just going to go off and make communities just for the girls. And we have. It suits us just fine. We can talk BAMF and GQMF to our heart’s content. We’re not off on our own because we’re all ‘girl power! no boiz kthnxbye’. We’re on our own because we don’t compare each other, and make each other feel unattractive or lacking in something, when all we really want to do is talk about our favourite fandoms.

So guys. There are plenty of geeky girls who enjoy all the stuff you do, and if you stop treating us like a rare species that you want to poke and prod and patronisingly teach to walk and talk, then you might just meet one.

If, however, you need to feel superior to someone. Stop complaining that you can’t get a girlfriend who understands you.

I think until conventions stop feeling like I’m being forced into a beauty pageant, I won’t be cosplaying. It’s just safer not to get involved. I also have William Shatner to thank, as he made me realise that when meeting your idol, you can still have a conversation and be memorable without having dressed up. I’m sure his reaction to us dressed up wouldn’t have been as awesome as George Takei’s anyway. Oh Myyyyyyyy. But then, even he talked to us not because of our uniforms, or his love for our tribbles, but actually, because we had a chat in Japanese. Other talents, for. the. win.

February 22, 2011

the games they play…

by sakuraso

This is a rant. It popped into my mind as I was getting ready for uni, and it wouldn’t leave me alone on the way in, and I know it’ll bother me all day if I don’t get it off my chest. Of course, now that I’ve ranted the hell out of it in my head, it won’t sound quite as good now, as I’ve probably forgotten most of my points.

Why is it that guys and girls feel the need to act different around members of whichever sex they find attractive? And I don’t mean (the equally, if not more ridiculous) games like ‘you must not call them within 3.4 days of last seeing them’.

Boys.

I’ve found that with some of the guys that have liked me (that I’ve known for certain – i.e. because they told me) they seem to feel the need to be… patronising. I. Can’t. Stand. It. It makes me want to scream. And strangle someone. It’s not a good reaction to get from someone you want to date, seriously. With the guys I know this has so far manifested itself in two ways.

Eye-rolling.

Seriously, rolling your eyes over everything I say is not a way to make me like you. If everything I say makes you roll your eyes, why do you even like me in the first place? If that was my reaction to someone, if all they said I found ridiculous, and I had so little respect for them that I’d show my view of what they say, I wouldn’t even be friends with them, and if I somehow found myself dating them, I’d probably slit my wrists. So, this makes me think that in fact, despite their eyes doing somersaults in their sockets, they don’t actually think everything I say is ridiculous, for if they had any sense, they wouldn’t like me if they did. So it might be some sort of macho display of… something that seems good in their heads. Heaven forbid you express interest in what the person you like is saying, your emotions will be somehow be negated if you don’t treat them like they’re a retard. If you do this, and you know you do this, stop it. Stop it right now. And if you do it to me, do so with the full realisation that I will detest you, and never mind dating me, we will not even be friends. There’s also the chance some guys do not realise they do it, maybe it’s some sort of nervous thing. In which case, get on top of it!

Disagreeing.

Other times, guys feel the need to disagree with everything you say, even if they actually have the same opinion as you. In which case they decide that your approach is wrong and disagree with you anyway, or act like you don’t understand the issue. And then they won’t leave it alone, when, in an attempt to salvage your friendship, you try changing the topic. But they will not let you. They will continue until you never want to see them again. It seems to be the same thing here – if you have such disregard for what I say, why bother being around me? If you don’t actually have a problem with what I say, stop disagreeing for the sake of disagreeing! I think some guys are under the misapprehension that girls find this somehow impressive. They don’t. You look like a giant cock. So stop it.

Girls.

Girls are just as bad, but in a different way. With a lot of my female friends, my cool, down to earth, independent friends, whose entire personalities change the second a cock boy comes along. So while guys do their best to put down the girls they’re interested in, in an attempt to impress them no doubt, girls start acting like they suddenly can’t do anything. They will start giggling, batting their eyelashes, coyly looking away, pouting and making their voices higher and/or doing a cutesy voice. Why? Must you really appeal to a man’s genetically implanted need to protect? Most of the guys I know find it really annoying, it doesn’t make them inclined to like the girl any more. If they already like her, they do like it, but only because they like her, and if she acted like herself, they’d still like her. What annoys me even more about it, is the sudden change. They’ll be all normal, and themselves, and suddenly a guy, not necessarily a guy they even like, but just a guy, and suddenly they’re acting like a cross between Paris Hilton and some subservient big eyed manga heroine. Stop it. What will you do when you’re dating a guy? Will you spend the rest of your life pretending to be something you’re not? If he likes you, he’ll like those wobbly bits, he won’t mind when you occasionally forget to shave, and he definitely won’t mind you not acting like an airhead idiot.

 

In a nutshell, what I’m saying is: Be yourself. And don’t be an idiot.

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