On Confidence.

by sakuraso

They say that if you walk into a room thinking you’re the sexiest thing there, everyone else will think you’re the sexiest thing there too. Of course, if you don’t believe you’re the sexiest thing there, it’s a bit difficult to pretend you are. You give it a half hearted go. You straighten your back and walk in confidently, or so you think. And it doesn’t work. So then you assume what they say is a load of bull.

Then some time later something happens. Something triggers in you actual confidence. It may be an empowering event, or just a change in the way you think about yourself, but whatever happens, something inside changes. Then it no longer occurs to you to walk into a room thinking you’re the sexiest thing there. Who cares? So you just walk in. And everyone thinks you’re the sexiest thing there.

And it’s annoying. Because when you needed that ego boost of everyone noticing you, no one does. Then you no longer need that confidence boost, and that’s when people decide to give it to you.

This has been happening to me lately. For ages I’ve been moaning about how I couldn’t find a guy who was interested in me for more than a night. And then I found one. And then I mentally decided I was off the market. So now, I’ve been getting a lot of attention. WHY?!

I go to the tube to pick up a friend so we can go to a cafe and I can write my letters and she can work on her dissertation. While I wait for her, one of the London Dungeon guys comes up to me, which always happens because that’s what they’re there for. But instead of either the speech or leaflet thrusting, starts asking me what I was going to be doing. Which, again, is fair enough, if I said I wasn’t doing much, that would be his opportunity to convince me to go to the London Dungeon experience. Didn’t think much of it really, the London Dungeon guys tend to attach themselves to people a lot. Then I was talking to a guy who was selling paintball offers, and to be honest, had I the money, I so would have gone for it. I asked his name, in case my friend was interested in going for the offer, and that was that. Then he runs after me, said he didn’t know how long they’d be there that day, so he gave me his number ‘in case I changed my mind… or wanted to grab a drink’ XD; To be fair, he was very fit, and Australian and pretty good looking… But in my mind, he has nothing on M. Well, maybe height. But height isn’t important. So he walks off, after giving me a wink. Then the guy holding a McDonald’s sign tried chatting me up too… Mate, fit Australian dude just failed. You’re holding a McD’s sign.. i.e. you’re not qualified enough to even do the lowliest job on the McD’s premises! -________-;

Bit of a digression there. But my point stands. Before I met M, I would have been so delighted by the attention, I would have probably called the Australian for a drink – though, to be fair, he was really nice, wouldn’t mind grabbing a drink with him anyway, though that might be considered leading him on.. However, now that I have met M, I just keep comparing them to him XD; In a ‘why would I ever want this guy? M has this and that and this and that….’.

So, I’m left to think that it must be a change in how I feel within myself, as I’m pretty sure I haven’t changed physically since before and after meeting M. Well, I might have even gained weight. So really, no reason for any sudden interest, unless it’s to do with my own confidence.

If you want it, you won’t get it. When you don’t care, it’s everywhere. C’est la vie.


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